…… <3

Yay!!!!

 

May 09

11.20.09 4:12 am
A few months ago.. probably in a drunken, disillusioned state I promised to make something happen.
And I meant every word.
God only gives me as much as I can bear. He is the reason why I will always follow my heart. Its only a matter of time.

 

What she’ll never admit.

Last night I had a dream that you woke up. You woke up & saw what was right in front of you all along. You realized how madly in love I am and that I’ll never stop. My heart breaks every minute I can’t be with you and nothing can heal it but your hands. You already have it, I gave it to you with no intention to take it back. And you (gently) laid it down next to Michael and the Fantasy Factory dude. Everytime you walk away, you step on it without even bothering to glance down. Pieces of it stick to the bottom like gum & everywhere you go, a part of me shadows. No hugs. No kisses. No touching. In public. The sound of my tears drowns out the silent cracking of the thing I permanently wear on my sleeve, that I tell ppl I put there so no one would break it. I take as much as I can get, but I feel hopelessly confused as to why I have to take when it should be mine to begin with. The butterflies never go away. They just reciprocate and eat away at my insides. Crazy? Maybe. Confused? Definitely. Confident? A little.
Hearts are often broken by words left unspoken. 6 mos turns into a year & something’s gotta give. However, I’ll continue this charade either until my dream becomes a reality or until…forever. But I’ll never admit it. No one understands more than you.

hence why I only talk when no one is listening.

 

Hysteria.

“Oh my God…eww…(crinkling paper)…are u serious?…his name is Sean…Sean? I don’t know him.”

I swear I am going to punch one of these hoes in their face. SHUT THE FUCK UP.! these two bitches in my class will get body slammed in a few minutes. You are in a CLASS. A college environment. And u are extremely loud. Didn’t your parents teach you fuckin manners? What the fuck. I keep giving them very dirty looks but I guess they are as ignorant as they are loud. And one keeps burping. Pig. There are 8 people in this class & we have to listen to different forms of music OVER their conversation. Have some respect. Damn dirty sluts. Smh.

 

Love affair

His hands explore every inch of my frame
making it impossible for me to breathe.
flushed lips in between teeth
gripping
grabbing
grinding
gnawing
the sound of my heartbeat drowning out muffled moans
eyes clear
head full of tears.
hope
desire
mania
envy
lustful green eyes
always playing mistress to his invisible wife.

I wish this one-sided love affair will never end.

 

out of curiosity..

Can u be soulmates with someone who has no soul?

 

…

It was the first thing you gave me. Probably the last. And I lost it.

 

What if? – july 30, 2008

Thoughts of the past plague my mind

Forcing me to wonder if i’ve made the right decision

What if i would’ve found the time?

Maybe things might’ve been different.

Sometimes I wish I could take it all back

To the days when you were just an ordinary dude

I’d retrace my steps at Lehman, wouldn’t have been so rude

I would’ve told Shantel she couldn’t have you when she came asking for permission

Making you my man would’ve been my mission

But now ya name’s upgraded cuz of fame

I’m always hoping you don’t let it get to your brain

I know the shorties be flockin and dudes stay jockin

But to me, you’ll always remain the same.

The shy guy who followed me to English class

Who taught me how to use a bong

And inadvertenly put me on to the Boondocks and Incubus

I’ve shared something with you that I denied to others

So I hope I’m just not another name on that LONG ASS list

But as I sit in bed, writing this

I can’t help but to reminisce

And I’ll always wonder what if…

 

Adrenaline, dopamine, oxytocin..to name a few.

Is it okay to love someone who may never really love you back?

Love is an emotion. No doubt in my mind on that one. Yes, emotions can come and go. But for the most part, a strong connection with someone can possibly last forever. I am…I would say, in love. However, I have a strong feeling he would disagree & tell me its all in my head. That’s perfectly fine. Love, strong connection. Whatever you want to call it. I know how I feel about him, and others can tell from the way I look at him when he’s not looking. There’s not one thing I would change about him or the situation. Everything happens for a reason and God would never give me more than I can bare. [Listen to me blab on &on]
When you love someone, you tend to settle for any time with this person that you can get.
When you love yourself, you fight for the person that makes you happiest.

 

Optimism..

I may not show it but deep down inside, all I want is to be happy and live the way I’ve always dreamed.
Sometimes, just maybe there really IS a silver lining in every cloud. Life can be a fairy-tale. Not based on society’s definition of it but your own. Everyone deserves to be content within themselves and their partner. && everything does happen for a reason. If this isn’t the real thing, it surely is a hell of a preface to whats to come. Only time will tell. Ugh. A jumble of words. But it all makes sense in the warped birds nest I call a mind. Love knows no boundaries.

 

Wife, Woman or Friend Pt 2

- Dana Gilmore

I’m tired of-looking out my window seein shadows of you
and I can’t hang out with my girls cuz I’m checkin’ my rearview
You callin breathin’ all hard like I can’t hear you
And every time I hit the club you just happen to be there too

All I ever wanted was to be with you
But when I needed you
I had to compete with clubs, drugs, the streets and PS2
Out all night chasing women with your weak-ass crew
But I guess when you’re in Rome you do as Romans do
But they go home alone just like you
Wishing they would’ve held on just like you
Probably callin’ playin on phones just like you
I’m so through dealing with niggahs just like you
Cuz I done had a few niggahs just like you

I had the ballin type that call all night keep claiming they coming thru
I had the CEO that would bring me dough cuz he always had something to prove
I had the so called God Man that thought he could do everything God can
Thought he was closer to God than the church man
I had the meet me at the poetry spot down to earth man
I had the niggah from the club who was only good for a fuck
And I had a street niggah who kept claiming he was down on his luck
I had a player with no goals no heart just game
I had the 24 in the studio on his way to fame
I had the control freak who thought he could keep me on a chain
I had a niggah that lied so much I don’t even know his real name
At the end of the night, they all made me feel the same
I had a million things to loose and not a damn thing to gain

I told you I need you and your shoulders shrug
I tell you I’m leaving and you call my bluff
I say a million men want me
You say, they can have you then
So when you beg for me to come back I tell you I got a man
Who not just my lover but my friend
The closest person to me so I call him my next of kin
And know you think you own this but guess what, he put it in
And represented for all men even those that act like boys, but we still call men

And to think you gonna fall in and feed me bullshit sprinkled with game on it
But when he hit it he wrote his name on it
I was committed when he put his brain on it
He and I will parade these streets and I’ll be damned if you rain on it

Look I know you have your regrets
And I’m not gonna throw it in your face ’cause hell I wish you the best
But him for you that’s like more for less
And I just can’t do it
You had your chance but you blew it.
And deep inside I think you knew it was killing me
But silly me I couldn’t see the forest through the trees
And I didn’t know I was cut so deep until I began to bleed
I guess they left out all the snakes in the stories of birds n bees

So you can cry me a river niggah, cry me a sea
But that’s the last time I’ll love a niggah that ain’t got no love for me

 

Wife, Woman or Friend

By: Dana Gilmore
Def Poetry Jam

I guess I should not be surprised that my beginning was his end

After all, we were just friends

Although in my world I was his girl, So in my mind I pretended to be his wife

Saying sh*t like, “there’s only so many years in a woman’s life”

Right, so I gave him three

Yet he had the audacity to step to me on this Donnell Jones “I don’t know where I wanna be” type sh*t..

It wasn’t supposed to be like this…

He hit me with the forehead kiss…

He told me life was a journey and he was ready to explore this sh*t!

…And I was pissed

I start pullin’ out Tupac hits

Telling me to keep my head up

And R. Kelly picks about when a woman’s fed up

Cause I was down with him for so long, that I didn’t think I could get up…

Till one day I got tired of sleeping on pillows my tears had wet up

And realized that life goes on….

And even though he didn’t choose me, that doesn’t make him right nor wrong

Just because he was the epitome of my life

That doesn’t make me wrong nor right

Like I said I was his friend and not his wife

And I should’ve acted within that capacity

And then this breakup would’ve been “just one of them things” And not a f**king tragedy

And all the time I spent mad at him I should’ve been mad at me…

After all, I was the one that gave him the key to my house,

Let him hang clothes in my closet just in case we go out

Washing all his dirty clothes to make a “full load”

And let him finish all the leftovers just so the food don’t go old

For the times that we raw-dogged just cause he “lost all the rubbers”

And though I showed him more support than his father, brother, sister, and mother

And just ’cause those same people dial my number when they’re trying to stay in touch

And he received mail at my address “cause he sleeps here so much” …

Got total control of the remote control to the TV, DVD,

And radio and even though his name is not on my lease

Got sh*t in my house that is off limits to me

Like his side of my bed and his stash of w**d

And I better not touch his shoebox, Fruit Loops, mouthwash or toothbrush, he even had his own set of towels

But none of this obligates him to me because not once did we exchange vows…

And If I knew then, what I know now

I probably would’ve listened

When he said it was some sh*t that he needed to get out his system …

But I was too busy b*tch*n’, jumpin’ bad like I was gonna hit him

And in the back of my mind all I could fathom was how much I was gonna miss him….

And just because I’m cryin’ doesn’t mean I’m the victim

It’s just that I was too scared to let him go ’cause some other chick might get him

And that was my fault, it was my decision

I should’ve never put my heart in my mind’s position

But I couldn’t shake him–he was like a bad habit and all this

for a Brother that was just average, doing average Brother sh*t

Like talking out the side of his neck and thinking with his d**k

But, I must admit he’s the one I wanted to commit to.

Either I wasn’t living up to my potential, or I was just the average chick

But I chose to believe that I was a woman caught up in a feeling

Both physical and emotional, who was way too willing

To give her all to a man

And though it may sound stupid I would do it all again….

Just next time for my husband and not a Brother I call my friend!!